sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
