i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
