Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
