Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
