actually, I'm a sock model
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize