I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
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