dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
