I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
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