Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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