Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
i think we sleep fucked last night...
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
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