If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize