I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
