Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Randomize
