That's your vagina. No one goes out and burns it
STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
