im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
So much Jack, so little girl.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
