your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Randomize