Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
