Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
foreskin is a definite game changer
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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