he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
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