it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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