ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
