Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
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