Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Randomize
