You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Randomize
