wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
