The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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