come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
