I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
