Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Randomize
