that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
