Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Randomize
