then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
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