well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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