I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
