my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize
