I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Randomize
