If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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