a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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