I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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