Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Randomize
