I feel like I'm in dance class right now
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
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