My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Thank you for not boning my boss.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
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