Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Randomize
