Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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