u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
What drink are we having for lunch?
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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