I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
