I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
this will be a night to untag.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Randomize
