Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Randomize
