Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Randomize
