so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
