Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
