You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
did i walk over a car last night?
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Randomize
