I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Randomize
