you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
organizing the empties. That sober.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Randomize
