I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
