So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
