Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
where are my eyebrows?
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize