she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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